Author: larindalea

I knew this was going to happen…

Trough dayshey educated me about all the possible side effects.  They gave me tons of printouts and information about what would likely happen.  So why is it still so traumatic when it actually happens?  I know it has been a little while since my last blog post.  I have been in one of two states–I don’t feel like it or for a brief time I felt too good to sit at the computer.

Here are a few things that have happened since I last visited with you.  I lost my balance and fell hitting my chin and chest on the night stand.  No stitches or blood, but it did “demo” the wall behind the night stand knocking out the power and pushing the electrical plate into the wall.  Shawn very graciously went to Home Depot and got the supplies and fixed my efforts to destroy the wall.  I am very thankful that I was not injured more than bruising and a swollen lip and chin.  The hit to my chest missed my port by about 2 inches and the hit to my chin didn’t break any teeth.  My blood counts were too low for me to get treatment this week.  I am getting injections to stimulate my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells.  This medicine can cause bone pain.  I’ve had some, but it is tolerable.  I am just so tired these days.  My hair started to come out yesterday.  Clumps just came out in my hand.  I expected it, but it still broke my heart.  Shawn was a trooper.  He told me to close my eyes and he shaved my head and threw all the hair away.  I am ok with it now, it was just really hard to see it happen.  So, when I look in the mirror, I see a cancer patient looking back at me with a head scarf and surgical mask.

My treatments will be delayed at least one week because of the low blood counts, so that throws off my timeframe for getting on with my life.  Then I remembered something I heard at the women’s retreat at church this weekend…God’s timing is perfect.  So, if I believe that then I have to know that the delay is necessary and right.  I am thankful that I felt up to going to the women’s retreat.  I was able to connect with ladies that I knew at a distance at church and I experienced renewal and reassurance that God is with me and I am not alone.

Sometimes things don’t go according to plan and sometimes they do and it still knocks us for a loop.  Be kind to others.  You don’t know what they are going through.  Smile at them.  Make a connection by just looking in their eyes and acknowledging them.  You have no idea how much a perfectly timed smile can mean to someone.  Trust me, I know because I was that someone this week.

A lesson in grace…the cancer kind

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What is grace?  All of you who have made the life-changing decision to be a Christian have experienced God’s saving grace.  I suspect that each of us felt the effects of grace in that moment without truly knowing what God’s grace would mean in our lives.  Ephesians 2:8 says “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”  So grace is a gift.

We associate gifts with birthdays and Christmas and sometimes when we are lucky,  we get gifts “just because” from a loved one.  As lovely and meaningful as those gifts were, did any of them save your life?  I mean really save you?  God’s gift of saving grace brings us from death into life.  2 Corinthians 5:15 says “He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.”  So this gift is for everyone.

Where does cancer fit into all this?  After all cancer is no gift, right?  My pastor came to visit me two times during my hospital hysterectomy stay.  First, he showed up at the hospital to pray with me and my family before surgery.  He had scheduled this visit and I expected to see him.  The second visit was a very welcome surprise the day after surgery.  I was able to share more of my story with him and he said something very profound that started my exploration of grace.  He said that when we face challenges,  God gives us grace sufficient for those challenges and now…God had given me cancer grace .

Cancer grace?  Hmm…does that mean that the grace God is providing to me at this point in my life is tailor-made for my circumstances?  I am completely convinced that it means exactly that.  Not just for me, but for every one of us.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  There is absolutely no way that I could face cancer on my own.  It is only with the bravery and strength that comes through the grace of my Heavenly Father.  How have I missed the consciousness of this miraculous gift all my life?  God’s SUSTAINING grace is His love for us individualized in such a way that it meets our exact needs at the exact moment we need it.  If your mind isn’t blown right now, you either already know this or you need to reread my blog.  I always knew that God loved me and cared about me, but to think that in His supernatural, Omniscient way, He is our very real, down-in-the-trenchs support.  Among many other examples, the one that sticks out for me is when the first drop of chemo started, I began to feel overwhelmed.  At that same moment, “I will” by Citizen Way began playing on my Spotify playlist.  I knew at that moment He was with me to hold me through it.  Remember in my first blog I said that I wasn’t sure of the purpose of my cancer journey…well, I think I am beginning to understand and I am ever so grateful.

Here’s an update on my chemotherapy.   I have completed 2 sessions.  My port access was much easier than expected.  I am tolerating the chemo without nausea so far.  I am very tired and sleep escapes me at times because of the steroids that accompany the chemo, but I feel so much better than anticipated.  I know things may change as the medication accumulates in my body, but for now I am ok.  I am very thankful for your prayers.  They are being answered.

Infusion Chair 4

Zephaniah317_1920x1080_1So, tomorrow is the big day…my first day of chemotherapy.  My appointment printout says that I am scheduled for a port draw at 8:30 followed by lab work and an exam before my 9:30 infusion in chair #4.  They must have known that details and information  help me process things.  I was able to visit the chemo room at my last appointment, so I know exactly where I will be.  I will be getting infusions every day this week.  Tomorrow will be a full day and the others will be 9:00-2:00ish.

Although I am keeping it together for the most part, I am a bundle of emotions.

I am scared.  What will it feel like when the meds start flowing?  Will it hurt when they access my port?  Will I throw up on the first day?  How many times will I throw up?  I expect that once I have the first day under my belt, I will gain some confidence walking in for day #2.

I am anxious.  I want to get this started.  The sooner I start, the sooner I get to ring the bell.  I am not sure how much I will sleep tonight.

I am hopeful.  I am confident that God has put this team in place to care specifically for me.  I know that I will not be alone tomorrow.  I will be supported by all the love and prayers of my family and friends.  The most important thing I know is that my heavenly Father will be by my side.  His love can and WILL calm my fears and keep me hopeful.